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Queen Jane Approximately

June 9th, 2013

(no subject) @ 06:39 pm

I think I have made some progress in framing things about what happened earlier this year.

I have a natural gift of sensitivity and emotional perceptiveness, that I have honed over the years. It is not a bad thing, generally. That being said, this ability does not always serve me well. I have a bit of a fatal attraction to needy people, because feeling needed makes me feel important. Helping you deal with your stuff earlier this year filled that need in me. However, as we both saw, that dynamic only led to unhappiness on my part.

I was wanting a partner who was supportive of me, and who wanted to share their life with me, but instead I found someone falling on me. You were genuinely in need of someone to catch you in your fall, but it was too much for me to handle. When we broke up, and you basically said that you never wanted me for who I was, only who I was not, and the role my affection played in bolstering your weak ego, it was utterly crushing. You still think this way, and it still sort of makes me mad.

Retroactively, the best I can do is to assume that whatever I have given, taken done or or not done, was of my own volition. And you had a role in my own journey, my own arc. So think what you wish, but however you want to contain your experience of me, you will not succeed. The best thing you can do is to treat me as someone who has always had agency, who is not defined my my feelings, and who is continuing to evolve.

There is part of me that still wants your validation, still wants to feel important, because of my role in your journey. I've realized over the past few days that this is my challenge, the key element of *my* quest. Your validation might make me feel better, but I don't need it.
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Queen Jane Approximately